Becoming emotionally mature means becoming aware of our choices and their impacts
Lucie throws Marc’s plate into the garbage and goes into histrionics because he is late for supper due to a mechanical breakdown on the farm: “It’s your fault I get so upset! You know I can’t stand it when you’re late!”
Pierre’s buddies ask him out for a beer, and for the umpteenth time he drives home drunk in the wee hours of the morning despite the fact that his spouse is fed up with his behaviour and their marriage is at risk: “But my friends insisted I come!”
Jean-Luc, whose financial situation is very shaky, goes to the dealer to buy a tractor part and ends up buying a new tractor: “It was the salesman. He was really slick!”
What do all these people have in common? They probably have a low level of emotional maturity. We are not emotionally mature just because we have reached a certain age, have been educated, are married and have children, have a prosperous business or have won awards. We could head a multinational corporation and be completely immature emotionally. The criteria of social success have nothing to do with emotional maturity.
Emotional maturity is a conscious choice to be responsible for our impact on other people and on the world, that is, it is being accountable for our attitudes, what we say and what we do. Genes and hormones determine the behaviour of children and adolescents, but after adolescence, we have to consciously choose maturity. If we don’t make that choice, we remain at the emotional immaturity level of an adolescent despite all the material “success” we have achieved.
Children and adolescents expect to be taken care of unconditionally, demand preferential treatment and complain that life does not meet with their demands. They are impulsive and get upset when they don’t get what they want. The same is true for some adults:
- “if only my husband were more respectful, understood me better and were less untidy, I would be so much happier.”
- “If only my wife were harder working and nicer, I would not be tempted by that other woman.”
- “If only my boss were more human, I would be more motivated.”
- “If only my employees were more motivated, I would be more human and not so angry.”
- “If only my children were harder working, I would get angry less often.”
- “If only my father got angry less often, I would work harder.”
In conclusion, becoming more mature is:
- understanding how I uselessly limit myself in that position;
- understanding how I can choose to confront and end those limitations;
- recognizing, accepting and retaking possession of the part for which I am completely responsible: my emotions, my thoughts, my words and my actions;
- accepting the situations in life I truly cannot change.
So, before speaking or acting, ask yourself: is that what a child or adolescent would do? If the answer is yes, maybe that’s a sign that there’s room for a little more maturity.
Pierrette Desrosiers,
Work Psychologist, professionnal speaker, author and business coach
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