“He is always right” says Matthew, age 25. “We always have to do things his way. Not even my mother can voice any kind of an opinion. I get the impression that he is manipulating us all. I’ve had enough.”
When I met Matthew’s father, his initial comment was, “I’ve heard that you are an excellent psychologist. I’m sure that you will see right away that my son and my wife have problems.” When I started to say that maybe he was part of the problem, he immediately classified me as an incompetent, incapable of recognising the true extent of his excellence.
Unquestionably, I was dealing with a real narcissist. A narcissist lives most of his life in a world of fantasy. His behaviour is grandiose. He needs to be admired and often is not well liked.
A narcissist:
– has a grandiose view of his self-importance;
– is overwhelmed by fantasies of unlimited success, power, splendour, beauty or ideal love.
– thinks he is “special” and unique and can only be recognised or understood by special or people of a higher class;
– has an excessive need to be admired;
– thinks he is “owed”;
– exploits others in his interpersonal relationships;
– frequently envies others and thinks others envy him;
– is arrogant and haughty in his attitude and behaviour.
The more of these traits someone has and the stronger are the traits, the more serious the problem is. With five of these traits, we are talking about a psychological disorder. Certainly, we all have a certain level of narcissism; it is useful if we want to succeed. The problem occurs when the level is too high.
Why does the presence of a narcissist make the long-term success of the business impossible?
– Because any relationship involving two or more people requires empathy, listening to the needs and expectations of the others (something that is almost non-existent with a narcissist.);
– Because he doesn’t listen to others, take their advice or accept criticism (because he is perfect!);
– Because he crushes, manipulates and uses others (which wears down the relationship);
– Because this person’s enormous need for prestige, success and power are so strong that he will sometimes make decisions that are completely illogical (i.e. disproportionate purchases or investments) that end up creating a threat to the business;
– Because he creates a climate of terror, despair or apathy among his colleagues;
– Because, in the long run, others will abandon him (spouse, children, partners, employees) because he is impossible to live with.
This disorder is a mental health disorders (1% of the population). Narcissists can be found just about everywhere.
What can you do?
Unfortunately, living with a narcissist is like dying a little every day. It means accepting to be put down and to be at his service all your life. The only way to protect yourself is first to respect yourself, to set limits and to assert yourself despite the potential consequences.
This is a disorder that requires very prolonged treatment, and even then, there is very little improvement. Narcissists rarely seek help unless they have lost everything. Otherwise, why would they seek help? After all, they are convinced that the problem is with others.
If you live with a narcissist, you have to think about survival and professional help can help you to live with it.
Pierrette Desrosiers,
Work Psychologist, professionnal speaker, author and business coach
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