“Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something inside me dies” Gore Vidal
“Why does my brother act like this? Why does he make fun of me in public? Why does he lie to my father about me and put me down in front of him? Why can’t he acknowledge any of my accomplishments? Do you think that he envies me?”, Sylvain asks. Yes, it is very likely that your brother is envious.
Whether you desire money, status, power, recognition or success, the mere fact of wanting something very badly can bring out unpleasant feelings such as anger, frustration, self-pity, spite or vindictiveness. Nobody wants to admit to being envious. Instead we speak ill of others, seek vengeance, put others down, idealize them or want to get ahead of them.
Envy however can result in something positive. It can help us accomplish things while at the same time reminding us of our limits, our abilities and our resources.
Envy is an emotion to be ashamed of, but an emotion nevertheless that we all feel at some point or another, and it is an emotion that is difficult to identify. Me? Envious? No way! Even as far back as biblical times they said: “Thou shalt not covet that which belongs to your neighbour, your neighbour’s wife, nor his home, his land, his servant, his cow nor his donkey.” We could add his tractor, his quota and his purebred stock. Envying what the neighbours have can end up costing some farmers a lot. It leads to excesses and some of them end up paying the price.
Why do we envy others? We envy them for having what we perceive as being necessary to our happiness. Paradoxically, the more we crave our neighbour’s possessions, the unhappier we are. Because we envy others so much, we no longer see all that we have. We can no longer see life in a positive light. Our ability to be aware of and to appreciate what we have is a determining factor in our happiness. Like a deadly poison, the more we envy, the more it intoxicates us because there will always be someone, somewhere who is better looking, richer, smarter, more popular, more successful than we are or who owns a more profitable business.
If we want to be happy, we have to stop wanting unrealistic things or things that are too expensive for us. We have to bring our ideal desires down to a level that is accessible. Above all, we must remember that the neighbour is not necessarily happier because he owns more than we do. He probably envies someone just as much as we envy him!
For those who may be a source of envy because of their success as a couple, a family or in business or even just because they seem to be happy, remember that life is a lot like Oka cheese: it can be a real delicacy for some, but turn the stomachs of others.
By Pierrette Desrosiers, M.Ps.
Work psychologist, speaker and business coach
pierrettedesrosierspsycoaching.com
pierrette@pierrettedesrosiers.com
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