How can we carry on in either a loving relationship or a business relationship when the trust is gone?

 

“I trusted him blindly before, now that’s gone.” A relationship, whatever the kind, will be strongly influenced by the level of trust between partners; parent-child, brother-sister, associates, friends, spouses, etc.

 

What is trust?

Trust is a general attitude where a person determines his behaviour based more on sentiment than reasoning. To trust is to make a spontaneous determination, without an in-depth, or rational analysis. (Source: Wikipedia.)

 

How do we acquire trust?

The trust we demonstrate in others comes from a variety of factors, as much genetic as environmental (education, past experiences…). On one hand, there are those who trust very naturally. These have an approach that stems from the “right until proven wrong” concept. Whether they encounter a salesman, a counsellor or a neighbour, these people will trust easily. On the other hand, there are those who doubt spontaneously. Their approach is “wrong until proven right”. You must win their trust with time.

How do we lose trust?

Individuals are very different in the number and kinds of events that make them lose trust. Some, for example, still trust their partners even after extramarital affairs. Others have little trust, even without the affair.

 

How do we restore trust in others?

▪ By admitting guilt, if you’ve betrayed or hurt them. Don’t try to find excuses, to play down or deny, for this only makes matters worse.

▪ By sincerely asking for forgiveness.

▪ By accepting, if it is possible, to make amends, and by also accepting that there is a price to be paid for the restoration of trust. You must understand what the other party expects from you in order to restore the price of the suffering, and, to gradually, restore his or her trust.

▪ By accepting that it will take time and that the level of trust will very rarely be the same as it was in the past, if the “error” was very important for the other person or was repeated regularly.

When dealing with important situations, after having hurt or betrayed someone, we can’t naively expect that they’ll brush it off quickly and blindly restore their trust. Unfortunately, it can be that the event (or accumulated events) results in a point of no return in the other’s trust. Without this level of trust, the relation will be unendurable, toxic, and even impossible.

Our ability to forgive and restore trust is variable. As such, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Before saying or doing something, we should think of how the other person will react. We must know what is important and vital for that trust, and work to maintain it.

Pierrette Desrosiers,

Work Psychologist, professionnal speaker, author and business coach

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