Happy are those who do not harbour grudges or entertain thoughts of vengeance, for they have learned how to forgive.
“I will never forgive her. Forgiving her would be letting her win.” This is how Julie, debatably, justified the harboring of rage and bitterness for her sister‑in‑law over several years.
Everyone seeks happiness, yet several studies have shown that harbouring hatred toward someone conflicts with happiness. Happy people are those who do not entertain hatred or vengeance and who have learned to forgive.
There may be many reasons to hate, yet equally as many reasons to forgive. Some experts affirm that people who hold on to resentments and hatred could decrease their life expectancy by as much as 14 years. In addition, persistent hatred is a contributing factor to depression and chronic stress. It is also associated with the risk of coronary artery disease. Julie’s day in and day out resentment of her sister-in-law could increase her likelihood of a heart attack. Does she hate her that much?
“I go out to a restaurant for dinner with my husband and all we talk about is her,” Julie told me. “I even wake up at night thinking about it. I am so tense that I have to see a massage therapist. Now, here I am seeing a psychologist”, she added.
Isn’t it paradoxical? People often invest more energy in those they hate or dislike than in those they like. To do so requires the expenditure and loss of so much time, energy and money. For example, people often pursue court actions for years against others in order to be proven right, or simply as a matter of principle. But how much do these principles and pride cost?
You can ask yourself the following:
- Is it useful to continue to entertain this hatred?
- Is it good for my physical and psychological health?
- Is it good for the people who are important and close to me to be witnesses to my hatred?
- Will this help me attain my goals in life?
If you can honestly answer “yes” to these questions, then continue on your present course. If not, then why not stop poisoning your existence and that of others around you?
Only you can decide to forgive. You don’t need the other person to agree in order to do this. Both the responsibility and the power to choose are entirely yours.
In addition to all the benefits for your health and happiness, you could gain a great deal of time. As Julie said to me, “When you wake up at night hating someone because there is not enough time during the day to hate them, then it’s time to do something.”
Finally, remember that, unless you are calling the person in the middle of the night to tell them you hate them, you will be the only person being deprived of sleep.
By Pierrette Desrosiers, M.Ps.
Work psychologist, speaker and business coach
