Why is it so difficult to give positive feedback, congratulate and point out good actions?

  • “I have the impression that it diminishes me; it makes me feel weak.”
  • “If he knows he’s good and believes he’s irreplaceable, he may take advantage of the situation and demand a raise.”
  • “My brother never tells me that my work is good, so why do I have to tell him that he does his well?”
  • “I don’t feel right giving compliments; it isn’t natural for me.”

These are the many reasons producers have for being afraid of giving positive feedback: pride, fear, discomfort and fragile self-esteem. However, positive feedback is an excellent investment. It is well-known in management that the creation and maintenance of a positive emotional state is key to performance, and positive feedback is a powerful tool. When it is done appropriately, it may not only add to motivation, satisfaction and performance at work but also to the quality of working relationships.

However, to be effective, positive feedback must refer to some precise action, performance or event. Furthermore, it must be sincere, specific and given at the right time. For example, you would tell Marc, “I appreciate that you stayed late to help us out last week. You helped us to get all our hay in before it got wet.”

We’re not talking about gratuitous compliments here because, in that case, praise will produce the opposite effect: resistance, mistrust and even demotivation. Contrary to what we might think, a simple pat on the back at the end of the year, even when it’s sincere, while saying, “Marc, I’m proud of you,” doesn’t mean too much. When feedback is too vague, the person may interpret it as gratuitous, attributable to the other person’s good mood at the moment or even to manipulation.

We must not wait for miracles, extraordinary performance or even heroic gestures to give positive feedback. It’s a habit that has to be developed. It’s an issue of looking for opportunities on a daily basis. Just because our parents never complimented us on our actions doesn’t mean that we have to treat other people the same way. Remember how many times you would have liked to hear a few nice words from your parents. Let’s be honest, we all need to feel appreciated. Some employees are going to quit their positions because they receive only criticism, and no recognition.

It’s the same thing in a couple. Generally speaking, when we observe a relationship that is going well, we see an average of 10 expressions of positive feedback for each negative criticism. On the other hand, in strained relationships, there are 10 negative criticisms for each expression of positive feedback. And you, in your relationship: what’s your ratio?

Remember that in this society, in which we pay for everything, positive feedback is free and means a lot, so use it and collect the dividends. In the next article, we’ll see how to give constructive criticism.

 

Pierrette Desrosiers,

Work Psychologist, professionnal speaker, author and business coach

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