I have conducted conferences with many, many farmers, and most of the time the topic involved the management of stress. Several of these farmers also approached me for consultation. One constant emerges: the difficult farming situations experienced over the last few years have been particularly hard on couples.
Take the example of Carol and Mark (fictitious names). In their early thirties, Carol and Mark have been married for more than 10 years and have four children. When they met, Mark promised Carol that the old family home was temporary and that they would build a new one. Today, Mark still can’t see his way clear to keep that promise. Following a large expansion in their milk production and a few difficult years in hog production, the new home just doesn’t seem to be possible.
Carol blames Mark for making his decisions based only on the business. She thinks, because he never talks about it, that the family is not important to him. From his point of view, Mark felt that a more profitable business would allow the family to realize their dreams. When Mark came to see me, he broke down. He confided in me that he felt enormously incompetent and unproductive. “If it weren’t for my kids…” he said.
Carol has no idea of the guilt Mark feels for not being able to meet his wife’s needs and how difficult it is regarding his self-image. In fact, Mark is depressed, he is suffering and can’t talk about it. It has been a few years since Carol and Mark really talked, except to criticize each other. They never do anything together and they no longer compliment each other. “They’re doing time together.”
Like so many other couples who are having problems, they have gotten into a vicious circle. The more stress they feel, the more they use strategies that have been proven useless. They can no longer meet their needs and they hurt. They are upset with their partners, and the more upset they get, the more distant they become. The more distant they are, the less they both try to solve their problems, the less they invest in their relationship, and the less they understand each other.
According to marriage counsellors, the following are the secrets of a happy couple:
▪ Provide each other with five positive feedbacks for each criticism. (Couples experiencing problems have an average of five to ten criticisms for each compliment.)
▪ Become involved in a fun activity together at least once a week.
▪ Share your thoughts, emotions, fears and hesitations as well as your dreams. (Problem couples only share put-downs and don’t know what inner thoughts their partners are experiencing.)
▪ Never argue on the spur of the moment when an emotional situation occurs; wait a few minutes to cool down.
▪ Accept or tolerate certain faults or habits in your partners and stop expecting them to become what you want them to be.
▪ Let yourself be influenced by your partner. (Couple who are not willing to share power have an 81% chance of separating.)
Many individuals have invested much in their businesses over the last few years. Unfortunately, for many, it was to the detriment of their own physical and psychological health as well as to the health of the couples or their families. We should never forget that a business that is having problems, causes problems in the couple, and that a couple with problems causes problems in the business too. Consider the result if investing in the couple was more profitable than investing in additional quota?
Pierrette Desrosiers,
Work Psychologist, professionnal speaker, author and business coach
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