When we invest everything into one area of our lives, we become extremely vulnerable. If this area collapses, our whole life falls apart.
Mark, 35 years old, approached me because “life at home was intolerable”. After having met with the family for a few hours, I quickly realized that I was dealing with a difficult case. The father was extremely rigid. He wanted to control everything and was verbally and physically aggressive. He was also impulsive, threatening and manipulative. In other words, he suffered from what is known as a “psychological disorder.”
This man subjected his son to actual psychological torture. He actually prevented Mark from going out with the woman he loves, arguing that she was not good enough for him. He threatened to sell the farm, to disinherit him or even commit suicide if Mark didn’t break up with her. Mark’s mother tried to reason with her son so that he wouldn’t provoke his father and so that he obeyed him. The situation was similar to what one might see in a soap opera.
Life, from this point of view, is a nightmare, even if from the outside it looks like a dream life including the best of equipment, new buildings, and excellent herd and exemplary dairy results. But all this was largely due to Mark because ever since he finished school he had invested himself entirely in the farm. After evaluating the family situation, I informed Mark that I couldn’t do anything to resolve the conflict and that his father needed specialized care which, as you can imagine, he refused. Unfortunately, in this type of situation, the prognosis is not very optimistic.
Pierrette Desrosiers,
Work Psychologist, professionnal speaker, author and business coach
It boiled down to Mark having two choices. He could continue to be a slave to his father’s whims, be a “good son” and work 75 hours a week, never get any vacations and stop seeing his girlfriend, or he could stand up to his father and risk that he would put his threats into action. Maybe the worst wouldn’t happen. I didn’t have a crystal ball.
Mark broke down and cried: “Since the age of 15, I’ve put everything into the farm. I’ve never done anything else, I’ve never had any pastimes, never had friends and, up until now, I’ve never had a girlfriend. The farm is my whole life. My only motivation has been to see the farm succeed”, he said.
Therein was the problem: Marc had invested everything into one aspect of his life, namely his work. Motivation is, above all, an emotional investment. When we channel all of our emotions, all of our energy, our thoughts, and our resources into a single area, we leave ourselves very vulnerable, because if this area collapses, our whole life falls apart. We become very dependent and are ready to accept almost anything life brings.
Being well-balanced means splitting our emotional capital (our motivation) into several different areas of our lives: our personal lives, our spousal relationships, our families and our work. It’s like spreading the weight equally over a four-legged stool. If one of the legs is weak, one can depend on the other three to assume some of the weight. And if one should actually lose a leg, there are still three left.
So yes, we can be too motivated, have too much of an emotional investment. When what we love the most is what hurts the most, maybe it’s time to take a step back and put a little weight on the other three legs.
Being well-balanced means splitting our emotional capital into several different areas of our lives: our personal lives, our spousal relationships, our families and our work.